Photo by Engin Akyurt
Today, sadness fills every cell in me. Waves of sadness and judgemental thinking about myself and others.
I am unwell, my body hurts and I know that being sick usually includes low moods. This time, big time. I don't remember when I felt so confused and so sad for the last time. Lots of thinking showing up but this time I know better, what is it that I know now?
I know that:
I can't trust any thinking I have now
I won't be taking any decisions from this place
These feelings/thoughts won´t be permanent
I realized I needed to be alone so I left my husband and my daughter alone and went for a walk on my own. Guilty thoughts come of course but I recognize them quickly as an old habit of thought. I also saw that taking care of myself first is the most loving thing I can do right now, and when my daughter grows up I hope she does the same.
Allowing ourselves space for our minds to quiet down is the best we can offer to ourselves and others.
I started walking on empty streets and tears were falling from my eyes. Why? I could have given you a thousand reasons. Reasons I wouldn't buy into if I´m in a clear mind. So I´m not giving value to any of those thoughts, I let myself be. I let myself cry.
I bought something to eat in a small place and felt touched by the extreme gentleness of the lady that served my food. It´s a sunny day and I took what I bought to the beach. I love eating tasty things and I love the sea so the combination was a gift for me.
Slowly with each wave, my mind told me stories about:
Why I am feeling like that and I dropped the story.
What should I do now, drop it again
Why do they behave that way, drop it again
Can't trust my thinking now…
I observed the waves, the people on the beach, the funny dogs playing….
I felt it was time to move so I started walking slowly by the beach. What's next for me to do… no idea, no plan…
This morning I did have the plan of having a wonderful happiest family day, certain things happened, and I've realized it won't be happening today, in “the way I have planned it”.
In fact, this moment right now, couldn´t be further than my original plan, and still… there is a peaceful feeling, and my family asked no questions when I said I needed to leave, just kindness in allowing me space.
Now I´m walking, I´m looking at the waves and the beautiful colors of the ocean, the people and their smiles, I´m feeling the wind in my face, I watch a lovely wet dog playing with its owner…
At that moment I had an insight, suddenly I saw something about myself, I saw that I constantly make plans to create happy memories, to infuse my family with joy and fun…
Why do I do it? I thought that it was out of love but I'm seeing now that:
I thought that was what was expected of me
I have the secret fantasy of my daughter telling somebody how wonderful, loving and fun mom I was when she was a child (Ego? Who said ego?)
I wanted to feel happiness out from my family experiences (Ouch… where was happiness coming from really? Inside-out! )
I saw also that the most beautiful family moments we had, and we had lots, were completely unexpected and unplanned but there was a little something that repeated consistently, I wasn't trying for anything particular to happen, I was just in the moment, flowing with common sense, from a quiet state of the mind…
So does this mean that now I HAVE TO stop planning any family activity? No, there are no prescriptions except it would be great to notice where I´m coming from when I make plans. I´m coming from fear? Being a people-pleaser? Ego? Or… I am just planning out of inspiration on that moment, effortlessly, spontaneously, unattached to the outcome? To know that I don't need to analyze myself, I just need to notice the feeling.
If I trust in the Infinite Intelligence that is behind all experiences (I call it God, how do you call it?) it is not only when I offer a webinar or when I have a session with a client, or when I´m in a session with my mentor and my coach. Trusting wisdom is ALSO for everyday life
Can you imagine the amount of free energy available that I´ll have now that I´ll be not using part of it to make things happen in the way I thought they should be?
What if happy memories, a loving fun family life is only a byproduct of us trusting our inner guidance moment by moment, loving ourselves, making decisions, and trusting our thinking only when our mind is settled…
I know that is absolutely true about my career and my projects and there are absolutely no exceptions, everything is an inside-out experience so now, thanks to my friend Sadness, who showed up unexpectedly, I recovered freedom and a new chance to experience family life from a completely different perspective.
Guess how many hours since my low mood showed up until I wrote this went by? 6 hours… Every feeling/thinking is always impermanent as long as I don´t keep feeding it with stories but don´t worry, even if I do, it will become so uncomfortable that at some point I´ll stop and bounce back to my real nature. (That's a relief, don´t you think?)
If this resonated with you in any way and you would like to share that with me send me a PM or do it in the comments, whatever is best FOR YOU.